I started this blog to help myself heal from the past, the mistakes made, and move forward. In actuality it has made some upset. I guess I can understand that some people don’t want to hear about “what” happen and can just ignore it and go on living. However, I can’t anymore. I have chosen to but this beast to bed. “What” happen has controlled my life for too long and I am not giving it anymore energy to carry on.
I have recently made the decision that if people want to have a relationship with me, they will put the effort forth themselves to do so. I feel like I have been eating crow way too long, apologized way too much, and compromised way too often. While they all sit there and look at me….judging my every move, every decision, every reaction. I am NOT perfect, I never will be, and I never claimed to be. I am just me, either you take me the way I am or not at all.
It feels as though the healthier I get the more dysfunctional my family seems. Maybe I am seeing things differently? All these years that therapists, friends, and counselors have been telling me that my family is part of my problem….wait…they were all right??? I defended my family tooth and nail through every agonizing group, session, conversation, etc. only to find out that the whole time I was defending them, they were pushing me down in the mud? Seriously? Yes! They were! For all these years I have been their scapegoat, the black sheep, the “Fuck Up” and now I am no longer in that role. Whatever will they do? I’ll tell you, they talk about me like a dog. Like I was never even a part of the family, I was used to make them feel better about themselves.
So, where do I go from here?
I continue to move forward, and never look back. I take things one day at a time and appreciate what I do have. I have a lot to be thankful for. When I look back at where I came from, and how far I have come from there, I am living a great life, with great family, friends, and loved ones. It’s not my entire family that has let me down, just a small portion, and what I find ironic is they only really talk to each other.
It’s hard not to feed into the negativity and that is why I waited to post on here, I didn’t want to just go on a random rant and spew venom everywhere, I had to think about it, not react. That’s hard for me. I have been sucked into this time and time again, and finally I am strong enough to just turn around and walk the fuck away. It’s what I like to call Self-Preservation.