Neglect of a blog…

I apologize to myself today for neglecting my blog….I used to use this outlet to help myself to cope with stressful situations, past traumas, and taking personal accountability. I have got to discipline myself again to make this a priority again. Yes, I am in a better place, No I am not superwoman.

With that being said, I was reminded today that not only do I write here to help myself, my other intent was brought to me today, gift wrapped. A friend said to me today, “What you said today in the meeting really struck me, I wrote them down because the next time I see my therapist I want to talk about these two things you mentioned in regards to your recovery journey.”

I was shocked….I feel like most of the time I have no clue what the hell I am talking about let alone say 2 two things that would leave such an impression on someone. I will continue to share my story, not only for selfish reasons, but also to let people know that you are never alone….

When is enough, enough?

Of late, life has been changing for me. I’ve grown closer to my children, they trust me, well I think they do anyways. It seems like they are taking me more seriously. It’s a good thing. It was a lot of hard work to get to this point.

I’ve been struggling; however, in what I am supposed to be doing with this life. Where is my purpose, or what is my purpose. I’ve never taken my life seriously enough to plan ahead. I have been living the last 40 years reacting to my circumstances. Not always reacting in a positive way none the less. I was never taught how to plan, make goals, or ever really to succeed at anything but surviving the current situation I was put in or that I put myself into. I can’t say that I love my job, I don’t. It’s frustrating to go somewhere everyday for 10 hours a day and slap a smile on my face. It’s old. Lame. Quite honestly, it sucks. My job pays the bills. That’s it, there really is no real purpose in it. I do a lot of volunteer work to have some sort of balance in my life. I feel as though I am being pulled from paying the bills to having a purpose. How can I pay the bills and do work that has purpose and meaning to me? 10 years ago I would’ve quit my job and sat on the couch, got drunk and felt sorry for myself.

So, if I quit my job and get drunk I lose all the trust I earned. That’s the bottom line. So I use this blog to vent, figure it out, look at what I have written in the past and go forward. I think I need a change of scenery, or at least something  to make me feel like I have a purpose in this thing called life. I struggle to find the bravery and trust within myself to make a change. Does anyone else feel this way? I am sure I am not the only one. I limit myself, I know that I have a lot more talent and brains to do more than what I am assigned to. I am a capable woman of great things, I just need to figure out how I can make a reasonable living doing awesome shit.

Success against all odds

Beat up, put down, left to fend alone. That’s how I felt. Now, it’s so different, I am my stability, my maturity, my strength, my control. I see my own child’s struggles to be accepted and my child has no reason, in my eyes, not to be accepted. Society has become something that is unfamiliar to me, the unexpected, something I can no longer manipulate to my advantage. To have everything, yet be completely blind to what is real just baffles me. I never knew I  had or didn’t have the opportunities. I didn’t even have a clue that I didn’t know I didn’t have the opportunities until I was an older person (well if 38 is old). I have watched silently, in the background, my child slowly go down into what society would expect from the circumstances that were bestowed upon my child from birth. My circumstances became my child’s. I screwed up, I left them, they were abandoned. My guilt is extreme, debilitating at times. However, as I watch, it’s no longer me causing this, it’s us, society, other’s parents children that are taking my child with them. I am angry, annoyed, perturbed. You wanna know why, because what I did should have been the reason for my child’s demise, but it’s not, it’s my child trying to keep up with all your asshole children that you have been handing everything to. Spoiled brats, something I coveted growing up.

 

 

This Life….looking forward.

I haven’t had a lot of time to blog much at all in the last couple of months. I have had some pretty major changes in my life, different job, different focus, different attitudes, and most importantly a different outlook on life.

I can’t continue to go through life worrying about everyone else and what they think, how they feel, yes, but think, no. I have no more control over anyone else than they have over me.

I have changed, some for the good, and some for the unexpected. I never really knew my strength or courage until I stopped worrying about what everyone else was thinking. Am I good enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough? Funny enough? I just have to ask myself, am I good enough for myself? Yeah, I am, I have by far exceeded my own expectations.

It’s funny, at dinner the other night with my 19 year old daughter, she said to me that she doesn’t worry about what anyone else is doing….Huh? This took me 39 years to figure out! So, I have to say, she is a much smarter 19 year old than I ever was. She is leaving to study abroad this year for college, going to London. What a fortunate young woman she is…..I am envious of her opportunity, but very pleased by what a pleasant woman and person she has grown into. I’ll rephrase that, I am envious of what a confident woman she is, so confident that she is leaving everything behind and finding a life for herself, a place in this World. It’s bittersweet to watch your child grow up and leave but I am very proud of who she has chosen to become. She’s pretty cool chic. 😉

I wish most days that I wouldn’t have screwed up so bad in the past that I would’ve been able to see my children grow up from childhood. I missed a lot of time with them that can never be replaced. How do I fix that? I can’t. I just keep pushing on, moving forward, treasuring the time I have now with them. Just keep looking forward. Somedays are still hard, I’ll never be perfect, I can only be aware and alert to where I am going, what’s forward, never looking back.

 

Blog of a Wisconsin Girl

My Father continues to berate me and disrespect my choices in life, since he would like to comment on my blog let me do the honors of displaying his words for him….

“its funny how you dont tell people how you would steal money out of my pocket how we helped you when you got out of prison and you never paid anyone back funnny how you have four kids with three fathers and they took the kids away funny how you left casey alone and went drinking but this is your family fault mark my words you will go back to prison and this if i can help with that i will”

and again….

“Quit blaming everyone but your self I didn’t loose my kids so fuck off and when you need help again fuck off”

But earlier this week I received these words from him:

“Happy Valentines Day”

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As I continue to try to live a normal life…..Wasted Love Approaches

My Father continues to berate me and disrespect my choices in life, since he would like to comment on my blog let me do the honors of displaying his words for him….

“its funny how you dont tell people how you would steal money out of my pocket how we helped you when you got out of prison and you never paid anyone back funnny how you have four kids with three fathers and they took the kids away funny how you left casey alone and went drinking but this is your family fault mark my words you will go back to prison and this if i can help with that i will”

and again….

“Quit blaming everyone but your self I didn’t loose my kids so fuck off and when you need help again fuck off”

But earlier this week I received these words from him:

“Happy Valentines Day”

“I still love you”

This random relationship that he basically has with himself only marks his level of education and selfishness. I usually don’t respond to any of these messages, however, someone had ask me if my blog was a real story, did this really happen. YES, and to this day, this man who claims to be my father continues to harass me, degrade me, and put me down. This is the proof…not to mention the random texts I still get when he is drunk, the phone calls with voice mails professing his love to me with bar sounds in the background. I have asked him over and over again, not to contact me in any way, shape, or form. 

So when people ask me, “What sort of relationship do you have with your Father?” I really don’t know what to say, I never know what he will say next. I have NEVER had a secure feeling about this man a day in my life. I have never known what it is like to have a father that loves me unconditionally. I have only experienced love from him when he finds it convenient or when he is wasted. I guess you could call this, “Wasted Love”

Maybe it isn’t what it seems to be…maybe I need some Self-Preservation

I started this blog to help myself heal from the past, the mistakes made, and move forward. In actuality it has made some upset. I guess I can understand that some people don’t want to hear about “what” happen and can just ignore it and go on living. However, I can’t anymore. I have chosen to but this beast to bed. “What” happen has controlled my life for too long and I am not giving it anymore energy to carry on.

I have recently made the decision that if people want to have a relationship with me, they will put the effort forth themselves to do so. I feel like I have been eating crow way too long, apologized way too much, and compromised way too often. While they all sit there and look at me….judging my every move, every decision, every reaction. I am NOT perfect, I never will be, and I never claimed to be. I am just me, either you take me the way I am or not at all.

It feels as though the healthier I get the more dysfunctional my family seems. Maybe I am seeing things differently? All these years that therapists, friends, and counselors have been telling me that my family is part of my problem….wait…they were all right??? I defended my family tooth and nail through every agonizing group, session, conversation, etc. only to find out that the whole time I was defending them, they were pushing me down in the mud? Seriously? Yes! They were! For all these years I have been their scapegoat, the black sheep, the “Fuck Up” and now I am no longer in that role. Whatever will they do? I’ll tell you, they talk about me like a dog. Like I was never even a part of the family, I was used to make them feel better about themselves.

So, where do I go from here?

I continue to move forward, and never look back. I take things one day at a time and appreciate what I do have. I have a lot to be thankful for. When I look back at where I came from, and how far I have come from there, I am living a great life, with great family, friends, and loved ones. It’s not my entire family that has let me down, just a small portion, and what I find ironic is they only really talk to each other.

It’s hard not to feed into the negativity and that is why I waited to post on here, I didn’t want to just go on a random rant and spew venom everywhere, I had to think about it, not react. That’s hard for me. I have been sucked into this time and time again, and finally I am strong enough to just turn around and walk the fuck away. It’s what I like to call Self-Preservation.